At least, I hope I am. I can’t tell for sure yet.
It’s been exactly two weeks since my last blog post, and I had promised to blog more in that post. Ha. What a joke.
So, what’s been happening? Why am I just disappearing into the void without a peep on Instagram or Twitter as well? It’s because of my health. Two days after my last post, on 29th October, I was rushed to the emergency ward for breathlessness. I couldn’t breathe unless I was lying on my back. Even if I managed the breathlessness for a while, my head started hurting BAD every time I lifted it.
My swelling had increased in the night to the point that it was pushing on my throat, causing the breathing problems. It was also so heavy that it was pulling at my head when I sit up, causing headaches.
We rushed to the hospital where we consulted the ENT doctor before, but after reaching there we found that ALL DOCTORS WERE OFF. What hospital gives a public holiday???? I had to be admitted due to my breathing, and once I was started on antibiotics I couldn’t keep ANY food in me. That sucked too. I was puking everything up within an hour.
I have so much more to say about that 3 day hospital stay, but I’ve complained about it to my friends enough and I’ll spare y’all the details. It was a BAD experience, though.
Fast forward two weeks to today. I’ve been to two other hospitals, and consulted a few other speacialist doctors. We decided that I need to get a surgery ASAP, and it will be under general anesthesia. But for that, my thyroid levels need to be in range. Now, that’s a problem again. Although I don’t have hyperthyroid anymore (new discovery!! my T4 level is back to normal!!), my thyroid stimulating hormone level is still VERY LOW. No doctor is able to figure out why, and I’ve just been taking tests and more tests for it. I just want to get the surgery done at this point. Sigh.
I also have a lot of work to do for college, barring studying. I haven’t attended classes in two weeks, haven’t done any assignments and haven’t worked on my projects. I’m so behind on everything, and I need to get a LOT of work done before I go in for my surgery (which will probably be in a week?).
To be honest, I could have at least done assignments, but one thing was stopping me. When I was in the hospital, they gave me antibiotics through an IV line at my right hand. The large number of injections and the continuous drips caused the back of my right hand to swell up badly. We changed the IV canula to my left hand, but it was pretty late. I couldn’t bend my fingers or grip anything. It took until YESTERDAY for me to make a loose fist. I tried writing yesterday and I barely got through 200 words before my hand was strained. I couldn’t grip the pen properly. And we do all our assignments by hand (yes, I know, what a stupid rule).
I will attempt to write again today. I also have to work on my projects because deadlines are approaching fast, and I have nothing done. And neither have my teammates done anything, don’t ask me why though. I was under the impression that they would do something but apparently not. This is why I hate working in teams 🙂 And this is the one semester I need my teams in place.
So. That was the update on the physical health front. What about my mental health? Well, I’m hanging in there. Barely, but I’m surviving. I’ve been spending all my free time either watching something. I don’t know why, but I haven’t been able to read much. I haven’t felt like reading either. I’m in a huge reading slump, and I don’t know if I’m even close to getting out of it.
The one thing I’m really unable to do right now, is recharge mentally. I grew up with a lot of time to myself, and an abundance of “space”. Both my parents worked and I would be alone at home for long periods of time. As I grew up, I got used to and I started relying on that alone time. I need time to myself to recharge, without anyone around me to comment or make conversation with. I need time where I don’t have to keep up a positive pretense. And mostly, I require the time to cry if needed. A good cry helps a lot.
But lately, I’ve not had one second to myself. My mum has retired from her job, which means she’s home all the time. She’s even let go of her social activities to take care of me. And while I really appreciate it, the lack of space is getting to me. My mum’s overprotective of me. Even if I itch my leg in front of her, she asks me what happened, what’s wrong. And I also don’t want to burden her with my sadness through all this, because she worries enough herself. I can’t get her more down, so I’ve been the more positive person. And it’s taxing me. I’m at the last straw and I just… want some time alone so I can properly cry or read a book or ANYTHING. But alone.
I doubt it’ll happen, though. Mum’s not leaving me alone unless she has to, and since we’re back to living with my dad, he’s at home a majority of the time as well. He’s of no help to me or has no concern of me, but he’s home which means I still can’t do whatever I want. I usually have to retreat to the bedroom when he’s home, so that makes me feel even more trapped.
Fun times, eh?
Through the last few harrowing weeks, the one thing I’ve been able to count on is support from my friends. Y’all. I cannot even elaborate on HOW HELPFUL my amazing friends have been. They’re always there with emotional and physical support, always ready to help when I ask, and they’re keeping up to date with my tests and everything. I’ve called upon them several times now, because it’s hard to manage running around in hospitals with just my mum. I was no use physically and mentally, and my mum couldn’t do everything alone. My friends stepped in to help and that made so much difference.
Anyway! On to other things.
I’m trying my best to get back into reading. I remembered only yesterday that I have a blog tour coming up this week and I HAVEN’T EVEN READ THE BOOK YET! Welp. I need to finish it ASAP and write a review for the tour. I’m definitely doing that, so you’ll definitely see me soon.
The hectic two weeks with a bad right hand also meant that I couldn’t bullet journal. My bujo is frozen in time at 27th October. I haven’t been able to set up for November, and I’m unsure if I even will at this point. I’m so not up to spending energy on one more thing, and won’t unless I HAVE to.
On the blogging front, I do have ideas but I don’t have the energy to spend on blog posts. It took me two days of mental preparation to write this blog post. Trust me, I’m tired already. I still haven’t gone back to my normal self who doesn’t need naps every day and can run around all day. So, will I be blogging thrice a week like I was doing last month? I don’t know. My stats are taking a huge hit due to the lack of posts, but it’s not a priority right now. I’ll need to work back to it after my finals, because my finals will start right after I’ve recovered from surgery. It’s going to be a hectic two months.
Linking this for The Sunday Post.
How have you been lately? Has anything great or happy happened in the last couple weeks? Tell me your updates in the comments!