About Beginnings

Note: This is another rambly post.

How do you start something?

Be it a project, a semester, a blog post, or even a conversation with someone new. How do you start it? More specifically, how do you feel before, during, and right after “the beginning”?

Beginnings are defining points in our lives. There are an infinite number of beginnings—small and big—and just as each decision we take in our lives create ripple effects, every beginning creates a unique path for you to go on. Depending on how beginnings go, your path either widens or narrows. It’s very interesting, if you overthink beginnings and imagine the scenarios that may occur.

I’m overthink often, but not in panic or anxiety. When I find myself with a pocket of free time, my mind goes to various scenarios that could occur. I won’t lie, most of my imaginations are negative. I think about how situations can worsen or what would be worst case scenarios. And then, I think about how I would deal with those situations. It’s a weird coping mechanism. Since I know what I will do in advance, I feel better going into whatever situation. Mentally, I’m prepared for the worst.

I’m the same with beginnings. Even if I’m just talking to a new person, I rephrase my first text or sentence to them multiple times until it sounds right. If I’m contacting someone professionally, I’m ready for them to not reply or reply negatively. I used to do this with friends as well, if I asked them favours, but I’ve managed to curb this habit of mine a little now.

What differs with decisions and beginnings, is that I believe I can somehow control a beginning such that I can turn my life to the path I want to go on. With decisions, it’s different. I can’t see exactly what will happen with decisions, I can’t predict the ripple effects they create. I feel like I can control my narrative with beginnings, but I can’t do that with decisions.

How we feel during beginnings largely contributes to the result. I’ve noticed that when I feel confident about my ability to turn things to my dream, everything goes smoothly. And even if it doesn’t, I’m okay with it. And I feel confident when I have multiple worst case scenarios thought out in my head.

Even when I had interviews recently, I thought about what I would do if I couldn’t answer a technical question, or how I would behave if the interviewer is rude. I ran through every situation I thought would catch me off-guard, and I prepared for it. I was actually pretty confident in the interviews. I mostly didn’t lose my calm. This tactic works for me.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of free time without a goal that needs to be accomplished soon. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking. Thinking about how things may have been different if I had a different attitude, or if I acted another way.

Usually, I’m not an overthinker. I revolve around productivity. Checking off tasks gives me satisfaction, a weird high. And I run behind that as much as I can. I barely take some time for myself, to simply think. I used to but I don’t anymore.

While I’m not very happy about my current lackluster days, I think they have been good because I needed this time to simply introspect. Two years back I used to take an hour a week to myself every week, just letting my thoughts run. Now I barely find an hour to blog during the semester. I actually needed these lackluster days to chill out and let myself breathe for a bit.

Now I’m mentally fully prepared to go into the next semester. I’m mentally prepared for the stress of working on two projects along with having a shorter semester. I’m prepared to not have a break after the next semester because I know that I’ll have to immediately start my 6 month internship. I wasn’t prepared like this for the last year, and I had multiple breakdowns throughout the year. I had to take multiple time-outs.

At this moment, I’m super confident that I’ll do amazing in this semester and I will have most of my shit together. I’m prepared for it. And because I’m prepared, I’m confident. This confidence makes all the difference. I recognize that.

Anyway, yeah. My point was meant to be that what you feel when starting something makes a huge difference in the path you take.

2 thoughts on “About Beginnings”

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