Oh my goodness, y’all. I am feeling so nostalgic right now.
It’s been a slow day, so far. I mentioned in my last post that I have a sudden vacation upon me without plans. I’ve been trying to keep myself mildly busy, though. I’ve been reading, reviewing and working on Instagram. I tried making elaborate picture settings for the first time, and they look really nice! My mum has been giving me chores to do to fill my time as well.
But I still have pockets of time where I don’t have anything to do and I don’t feel like starting something new. A while back, I found myself in that mood and decided to go through my old posts on this blog. I went way back to January 2016. My first post was on January 16th, 2016. I was 17, studying for my last high school finals. My main intention was to see how far I’ve come, to see if there’s a difference in my writing style or my content. I found what I was looking for, but I was not ready to be impacted so much by my own writing.
Reading through those old posts felt like reading an old journal, only I’m not just chronicling the events that occurred and my feelings at that time, but also my thought process. I was was reviewing books like I continue to do now, but I was also WRITING so much. Writing poems, short stories, small pieces based on daily prompts.
Once I started reading, I couldn’t stop. I went on to reading posts from February 2016, and this post just made me stop and think. I can’t even remember the last time I thought so much, about abstract things, let alone write about them. I also used to blog every single day. I didn’t worry about word counts or whether people of the internet will like this post that I’m writing. I just typed whatever I felt like, and hit publish.
Once I got the hang of blogging then, I even started writing posts on my phone! Anytime inspiration struck, I whipped out my phone and started typing. This post was written when I was walking home from my best friend’s place, and I literally just wrote about what I was thinking as I walked. Now, I look back and remember that once college started, I used to blog on my phone when I was in the bus.
Thoughts about formatting, grammar and proof-reading used to not hit me. I just wrote and published. Reading those posts makes me miss that so badly. I miss writing without a care about how I would be perceived. I miss writing.
Granted, back then my blog had a different name and no one from real life knew that I had a blog. I even blogged under an alias. It was my special corner of the internet. I did not have to worry about what people would think about me because anonymity is freeing.
At this point, I can’t even remember when I last wrote something just for the act of writing. I cannot remember the last time I thought about abstract concepts, or the last time I took 10 minutes to just think.
Back then, I wrote a post on slowing down time based on a writing prompt. I wrote that I loved walking alone, and that it allowed me to think. I wrote that everyone rushes to complete things in life and don’t take a minute to breathe, and how I make sure to take out time for myself. But today, I have become the exact opposite. I run around, trying to get things done in time and manage multiple things. I’ve become a productivity-oriented person, feeling satisfied when I’ve finished doing a bunch of tasks. It’s come to the point that now, I feel lost when I have a vacation without plans.
It doesn’t escape me that the old me would have loved to have time without set deadlines or tasks.
After a while of reading old posts and ruminating about the change in me, I became motivated to write for the first time in what feels like forever. This post that you’re reading right now will not be formatted, or proof-read. I did not decide beforehand about what I would write. I just opened up the WordPress editor and started typing. And it feels so damn good. I literally have a small smile on my face right now and my fingers are typing so fast.
Right before writing this, I checked out posts under the “writing” tag on WordPress. I used to do this a lot before, and it used to inspire me to write more. I also found such amazing blogs. So I decided to do it again, and I found these two posts:
And that was all the push I needed to start writing.
My blog has changed shape so much. I have tonnes of content now that wouldn’t have even occurred to me three years back. I share my bullet journal, I talk about Kdramas and I share my music. I do think that my reviewing style has grown. I love using images and different colours in my post. The way I review has changed, and definitely for the better.
But for the first time, I’m looking back and I’m seeing what I lost during the last two years. I stopped writing. I stopped wondering. And I started second-guessing my content. I started questioning whether people will like and want to read my blog post before even writing one word.
My content today and my content from 2016 are vastly different. So much that they look like they’re of two different blogs. But it’s the same me.
I have grown in many aspects, but I now also want to bring back some of my old self. And since this blog is mine, and it’s still my special corner of the internet, I’m not afraid to change it’s shape again.
To whoever is reading this, I don’t know when you started following me. Maybe this is the first time you’re here, or maybe you’ve been following me since the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to read my words, and i hope you will continue to read them even if they sound different.