A sneak into my old self

(In my previous post I mentioned that I will be sharing some of my old diary entries. This is one of them.) I apologise in advance for the cringe-worthy sentences or repetition. It was two years back, after all.

MARCH 7, 2014       09:55 pm

Dear diary,

Today is 7th march. My tenth grade exams start from 11th, final exams. Once I clear these, I’m out of 10th grade. I can’t wait to finish my sophomore year in high school. I must admit that I have prepared more for these exams than any other till date. Obviously, these matter for my admission next year, where I will be next year (academically). Although, I don’t think my overall percentage will be good so I’m not keeping much hopes. But still preparing for this batch of exams so at least I might score better, if it is possible of course. These exams finish on March 29th with Science. Wow! Tenth grade is almost over and the past two years have gone by like a flash that it’s almost a blur. It doesn’t feel like so long back when we were shuffled into new classes in the starting of  freshman year of high school- April first, 2012. It’s 2014 now….!! I’ve got a couple friends who I’m close to. In fact, I get along with then better than my 8th grade friends. 3 of those friends are still close as we are in the same class. But we don’t share much of the same thoughts as Hema and Maithreyi. I don’t know how or why or whatever but I feel much comfortable with these two comparitively. Hema and Maiti have somehow changed me, made me feel more confident and I feel good about myself now. I’m not the extremely quiet girl who is always buried in novels anymire. I’m much more than that now, but not too much. I’m still a bit quiet, still love books and music, but I’ve started talking more to my friends at least. This is a good change.

… Some blabber about facebook pages and my favourite TV shows…

Fight between mum and dad are less compared to earlier-mostly because I have exams and I must concentrate. I should not be in a bad mood. Once the exams are over.. All the rage will be let out, I guess. But then I won’t be at home or at least I don’t plan to be. I just want to enjoy after these exams as I’ve done so much work. I’ve got to do more as I don’t remember much during exam hours but I think I deserve to have fun or time later. I just hope the exams go well and I get good marks. Otherwise, I’ll spend a lot of time in depression.

I’m not as sad and suicidal (compared to the little I used to be) and depressed because as soon as I get to college, I’m living my life MY way. I want to get as far away from here as I can. I want to get away from my parents, as messed up as it sounds. And maybe side-by-side I might a novel 😀 And I want to be in love. Not those silly relationships in college or anything. Love in real life to whom I will get married finally. I don’t want a kind of relationship like my parents, even though I wouldn’t put hope on it. I’m not sure it is really in my destiny to be loved truly by someone whom I love. I’ll have an arranged marriage to some guy I don’t even know and will grow to hate. Yep, that’s what I expect. You know why I think I’ll have an arranged marriage? It’s because I’m in that kind of family. Even if everyone else is fine with love marriage, my maternal grandfather won’t.

Through the years I have felt disappointment thrown at me, as if I’m not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not special enough, not knowledged enough… and whatever else exists. I feel all those. And one day, my maternal grandmother openly told that she wished my mom had a son too, like my aunt. She has a tendency to speak everything and doesn’t think nefore speaking. My mom was sleeping on the floor on a mat in front of me and grandma. She was looking at my mum sadly, and she just said it. I don’t think she even realised I was there or she didn’t care and mum didn’t hear cuz she was asleep. But I heard it, clearly. I just quietly got up and went to the other room in tears. It was that minute that I felt I wasn’t needed. No one wanted me. And now, every time she tells that I’m her baby or her sweetie, I remember that time. Well enough for today. I’ve gotta go. Ba-bye! (a lame signature)

The first thing I thought after reading that, was how I still felt all of that hurt and want and the dying hope. Maybe not enough to the magnitude that I will talk about it or think about it much, but it’s present. I hate that. I try to be so much for everyone in this family and it just gets too much. Lately, I’ve stopped caring and be me. But till a while back I tried so hard to please everyone on both sides of the family. Being the youngest kid, cousin, grandchild, all the disappointment from previous children and what they couldn’t do falls on me. It’s like I’m the last hope and everyone wants me to be some way. I don’t cry over it much anymore, it’s only a constant sadness and weight on my heart.

I started out reading my old diary entries thinking that I’ll notice how I’ve moved on so much. I have, but I also realise how I still retain the feelings of the fifteen year old I was.

I wake everyday with hope. That’s all I can do.


2 thoughts on “A sneak into my old self”

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