If you do, and also if you don’t

Daily post prompt

Inevitable: Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

*Note: this is a slightly long post, not happy and deals with heavy topics.

We all know that future is inevitable, and by that I mean the events that we wait for with either anticipation or dread, sometimes both. It comes at its own pace.

I look at my countdown calendar for this month, then I think about what’s after. I feel something curling in my stomach, thinking about what’s next. I’ve been in the same school for twelve years, lived in the same house for eleven and a half, grew up in the same area all my life. My world is finally going to expand, include another place, and I don’t really know how exactly I feel about it. 

In all my previous posts I’ve shown excitement about leaving high school and I AM, hugely. But there’s also the uncertainty, the fear that I might be too naive. Being a single girl child born to her parents when they were in their forties, I’ve been doted upon, handed everything necessary. Even if I wanted to take the bus, they wouldn’t let me. But I want to have some experience on my own, make mistakes and learn, not be dependent as I am now. I feel crippled, not knowing anything, having enough knowledge about the world and this fact terrifies me to think about when I will be alone. As much as I want to get into a dorm for college, I know I can’t. I’m pretty sure I will be with my parents. 

I’ve talked to them numerous times just to hear the same reply,“where you go, we go.” I don’t want that, for both myself and them. Though, I think it’s because I’m the glue in this family; if I’m not there, its just two legally married people living under the same roof. I’m not sure it would be even that. I hate this predicament, that has landed me into the spotlight playing messenger and link, being showered with all the attention, many-a-time unwanted.

I’m at the cusp of having a minor panic attack just for tomorrow’s physics exam. All my my life and future comes down to these five exams. In tenth grade, I flourished because it was a continuous evaluation system. This year, my whole year, depends on these year end exams and I LOATHE IT. Two years back, the most portions we had at a time was half a text book; so much attention and detail divided for extra curricular activities and such. Although yes, we did stress a lot because we were told that tenth grade is important as hell. (It isn’t really, we know that now.)

By the time we got down from the high and stress of tenth board exams, junior year has already gone by and we’ve under performed because no more continuous evaluation, everything depends on those two unit tests, half yearly and annual exams. We went from learning half a textbook to TWO TEXTBOOKS per subject. 

Incoming, senior year, the year that defines your life as it’s said in my country. For the next four years AT LEAST, anywhere you go, anyone you meet, you are judged by your 12th grade performance. After that it’s what kind of job you have, how much it pays, government or MNCs; it’s maddening.

That day WILL come, you WILL be judged negatively by someone or the other trying to show off themselves or their sons or daughters. You meet a lady and say you’ve taken up arts, she replies with a freaking bio data of her son, who is an IITan or has an MBA degree and proceeds to tell you his salary amount. Parents with girl children do not show off much by the education level or job, but ones with sons or grandsons, or even nephews, are ALWAYS THERE to shove your life into your face.

I want to take up literature and some people do say how it’s refreshing to see a student take up something other than the clichéd paths, and yet many of them themselves scorn their children for wanting to pursue a road less taken. The ones who outright give you their opinions whether you asked for it or not and expect you to take it to heart? They’re the worst. A supposed friend, a year above me and studying biotech in this country where there isn’t much future for it at the moment either, advices me on how I MUST take up engineering and write ALL the exams for it and study hard because I will not have a proper future taking up English. Strangers, even students, whom I talk to and we share information about our studies and what is our goal, say it to my face that I would be better off studying Computer Science Engineering. If they don’t say it, they make a condescending face and move onto another subject. If I say I want to pursue CS, they nod and smile in encouragement. I agree this country needs more innovation and discoveries and development, but it doesn’t mean everything else is below level.

Let me be honest, I do like Computer Sciences, in fact I would have no qualms about pursuing that branch. But sometimes, I want to take up English JUST to deviate from the usual path, to rebel. We don’t have a system of double majoring like in choice other countries so I can’t do both.

My own mother refused to tell people I want to go for literature and continued saying engineering for a lot of time. We didn’t speak properly for weeks. I’ve finally thawed her enough to acknowledge it, but I can still sense the disapproval. It kills me little bit inside every time I’m handed a negative reaction, every time my mum says that I will not be happy with my decision if she let’s me do what I want; that on a later date I’ll look at all my friends earning more and repent. My heart becomes more and more bitter. 

I know all of that myself. I know that I will earn less or how in a country of arranged marriages I might not be good enough for the engineering boy who earns a whopping so-n-so amount every year. In this country, to do something else is to dare. I would gamble my life away if I did not love my parents so; in the end they only want what’s best for me.

I know I will finally end up choosing Computers and how some minor percentage will think that I’m just following the crowd, but then if I pursue my other choice, will they not turn up their noses?

Those days will come when I make a decision, when I’m scorned, when I’m considered not good enough. It’s inevitable. The most I can do is get through one day at a time.

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