Being trapped in my present life

I love my life. I do.

But like Pudge in Looking for Alaska,I’m waiting for my Great Perhaps. My life has been normal, utterly average. There must be something more to my life than the struggle between choices of whether to pursue Computer Science engineering or English in College.

I’m grateful that my life hasn’t had much hurdles. Family problems-who doesn’t have them. Career choice confusion-tale of almost every student. But everyday I wake up expectant, will someone look at me and see me for my personality today? Will I be something more than a plump girl today? Will I start off on a new adventure, a new beginning today?

My friends might say that the change I have undergone in my personality in the past two years is phenomenal enough, but is it? Is that all I have to show for the 17 years of my life-becoming more social?

Living in India, we don’t have much chances to do a lot before turning 18 or getting out of college. I always wanted to work part-time, but its not done in my country. We have such mainstream lives-study till you graduate in college, work, keep working and go the highest you can in your job position, have a mundane family life. My own parents are advocated of these boring, set lives. Breaking routine to my mum is having a different type of meal. My dad is always on a schedule, no impulsiveness or going with your gut. No fun.

I haven’t done anything to break rules till today. Haven’t dated, haven’t broken curfew, always in good behaviour, never acted out. It’s exhausting now-not being able to just stroll out of the house and take a random bus to somewhere in the city.

This feeling of being trapped couldn’t come at a worse time. I have just around 20 days left for my board exams (which literally determine my future) and I have to concentrate, study and forget everything else. Instead, all I want to do is be impulsive, discover, and be free. The closest I come to ‘freedom’ is reading books, blogging and writing. Therefore, now I’m doing it almost all the time.

I’m counting down the days till when my board exams finish. Yes, I will have entrance exams, but at least I won’t have school or centralised tests. There is some gap between them.

Have you ever felt like changing your life in a moment? Just doing something to shake it up? I would love to hear your thoughts below!

7 thoughts on “Being trapped in my present life”

  1. Oh man, I know how that feels, but I live in England so I don’t have the experiences you do. I wish you didn’t feel trapped, but you have these freedoms. Embrace them, and we’ll try to help you along your way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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